Cancer Sucks

Remembering

2011-05-30T17:50:00.000-07:00

Memorial Day. I can't believe it's here again. Last year we all stood over Julie's head noticing how her hair parted and fell just as yours did. It made us all so sad, but in a silly way.

I took flowers to your grave today, and there were so many! You are truly loved and remembered by more people than we (or you, probably,) will ever know. I love knowing that wherever I go, I can mention your name, and without fail, someone will know you, or remember you, or be related to you! It's amazing this legacy you've left behind. Your grandchildren talk about you every day, as if you're still such a huge part of their lives. Your children talk about you every day, and wish you were still around to answer those important questions, like what kind of soy sauce you used in Nasi, and how we're related to George Brown.

I'm sad to see that these nearly 3 years have gone by so quickly. So much has changed, most of us and our lives would be mere shadows of who we were when you left us. But I think it's mostly good change. Growth. Lots and lots of growth. It hasn't come easy, but it's come regardless, and the strength to endure comes from knowing you have our backs, and you watch over us every day.

Happy Memorial Day, mom. We miss you!

Happy Birthday

2010-10-05T09:48:00.001-07:00

Well, today is your birthday. I think I am more sad on this day than any other day. The anniversary of your death isn't hard, it brings back some great memories. But today, today proves to me that you will no longer celebrate the year ahead. You won't be here to open gifts, to eat cake and ice cream, or to watch your grandchildren play. You won't be here to hand out pencils at Halloween, or to start playing Christmas music far too early. You won't be here when I have questions about how to cook a turkey for Thanksgiving. You won't be here for a lot of questions I'll have.

I miss you.

I've had some realizations over the last little while, though. It's like when I see a picture of you, you look different than I remember. It's almost like the feelings and memories I have of you have transformed your appearance into something different. I mean, I still see you and know it's you, but the feelings aren't as apparent in a photo as they are in my being. I hope this doesn't mean I'm forgetting you. I'm pretty sure I'm not, since every day I think about you, or talk about you, or hear the kids talking about you. You're still a huge part of my life. But now it's just the memories of you, the stories you've told us, and the good times we shared.

I miss you.

I know birthdays aren't a huge deal, but when you're not around to share them with us, it makes them a big deal. I wish I had had you for one more birthday. One more conference turkey. One more Christmas. Even one more day. But I know it was your time. I know the lessons we learned that summer are profound and endless. I know it was part of the plan. But I sure could have used one more hug. One more night of sitting on the edge of your bed talking. One more Sunday evening outside in the shade of the willow tree, talking and laughing.

Happy Birthday, mom.

I miss you.

Where Has The Time Gone?

2010-07-25T21:31:00.001-07:00

Mom,
I miss you. I miss you more than I ever thought I could. I think of you every day. I talk of you every day. My kids do too. We all miss you.

It was 2 years ago this very night, this very time in fact, that I was lying at your side waiting for what I knew was the end. The veil was thin that night, and you were hovering between the here and there.

My heart was breaking. I was bargaining with God, I was talking to you with my thoughts, telling you all the "I love you's" I could get out, enough to make up for these years of not having you here to hear them.

And then you were gone. You slipped through our fingers and flew as an angel. We sat in stunned silence and prayed with all our hearts that you would forever know how much you were loved. And you still are loved. Not only by us, but by so many.

I miss you. I love you. I can't believe it's been 2 years. And yet it seems like forever has passed since I've seen you. I hope you can see us, and I hope we make you proud. I hope you can feel how much we love you, and that you can somehow show us you're still here.

This night will always be hard, but now we are all together to remember that summer. We laugh a lot, we cry plenty, and we remember with reverent fondness all those miracles and mercies that were ours for those short weeks.

And we remember you. We will never forget you, and all the wonderful things that make you, you. We miss you. We love you.

Love,
All of us.

No One Loves You Like Your Mother

2009-10-05T21:24:00.000-07:00

It's true. Notice I didn't say 'no one loves you more than your mother', because that just isn't true. But no one can love you the way your Mother does.

As small children, it doesn't take us long to figure out who makes it better when we fall down, or who to go to when we have secrets to tell. When we get a little older, it's our moms who know to ask the important questions; like if our dates were fun, or if we stayed true to the things we've been taught. It's our moms who are there for answers to the tough questions, too. 'Why do I have to go through this now', 'why do trials last so long'. Even from thousands of miles away, the sound of a mom's voice makes everything seem a little better.

As I became an adult, I began to realize how special a mother's relationship is with her children as I saw how she treated my children. Lately, this is what I miss the most. I miss that my kids don't have their special time with their Nunn.

The great thing about having a mom as special as mine is that even more than a year after her passing, I still feel close to her, and I still strive to make her proud in how I conduct myself. Just like those little talks at her bedside, after having to wake her up by tickling the foot she inevitably had sticking out of the covers, I still feel that she has expectations for all of us. Every day I try to exceed those expectations because I know that no one loves me like my mother does.

As another Birthday passes, know this mommy; we all still miss you like crazy. We are stronger kids than even a year ago, anchored in the values you taught us by your example. We still cry when we gather to honor your memory, and I hope we always do. The world is still not quite as bright a place as it was with you in it. We love you. Happy Birthday, Mommy.

Dear Cancer

2009-09-23T12:21:00.000-07:00

I hate you.

You make me sick to my stomach.

I see what you do to people; to families, to friends, to women, to men, to children, to good, hardworking people, and I want to kill you.

I hate that you took my own mother.

I hate that you will forever be part of me.

I want to be more than that. I want to be better than you, but somehow you bring me down to your level.

If you could just move on and leave me alone, I would be okay with that. But I would know that you still exist, and I would still hate you.

I hate that even though my own mother lost the fight, I know how hard it is to overcome your ruthless invasion.

I hate you. I hate you. I hate you.

Love,

All of us.

Big Day

2009-07-26T10:07:00.001-07:00

Today is "The" day. The day one year ago that this indescribable grief was born. The day I have thought about and replayed in my mind at least once every day since. The day that changed our family dynamics forever. Really, the day that changed everything about us. The truth is it's been a hard year. The hardest of our lives. Every holiday, every birthday, every big family event, everyday. There is just someone missing. But there. If that makes sense? Hard for reasons I don't even know. Bad days that just sneak up on us fast, but take weeks to get through. Feelings that we are forgetting who she was and what she sounded like and felt like. But, memories we could never forget. A summer that was her gift to us. The most wonderful gift she could have given us. It's the one thing we long for and wish we could have back.

But, we made it. One long year? Or, one quick year? I guess it depends on how you look at it. Things have changed, we will deal and move on. We will always try to make the best of whatever comes. That's what she taught us to do. The blessings keep coming, and for that I am the most thankful! Most of those blessings come from all of you. The friends, family and loved ones that were there for everything. I'm grateful for the advice. The phone calls. The notes in the mail. The comments on blogs. Cancer still sucks. I don't think I knew how much more it would suck a year later. It still sucks.

Firsts

2009-07-10T09:15:00.000-07:00

We are almost done with the firsts. In a couple weeks it will have been a year since Paula passed away. There have been a lot of trials and blessings along the way. We have been dreading all of the firsts. The first Mothers Day and Christmas and birthdays. The firsts are hard and we have almost made it. I know she is proud of us for doing so well. Good job everybody...we are still a close family and we have grown a lot. There is one thing that remains the same..."CANCER STILL SUCKS!"

Remember

2009-02-13T10:00:00.000-08:00

I've been thinking a lot lately. Scary as it is, I've come to realize something. I no longer think back about Mom and instantly remember those last few breaths, or those last few days. I've started thinking back and remembering funny things that will always remind me of her. I think it's important to keep track of these things so I never forget.

If you'd like, please post a comment, anonymously if you choose, and leave us with something that will always remind you of mom.

I'll start.

Christmas
Baby Boom
Blue Knee Brace
Peterson's
Dress Barn
Chocolate Marshmallow Ice Cream
Diet Coke
Books
QVC
Boat Gas
Avon Lotion

I could go on and on, but I think we all could. Please feel free to leave your comments.

Thanks!

Mom

2009-01-19T09:44:00.001-08:00

I miss you today. More than you will ever know.

I'm crying. For reals, and I'm not even trying to hide it.

I miss you today.

Happy Birthday, Mommy

2008-10-04T23:18:00.000-07:00

Let me be the first to say, "Happy Birthday!". Time certainly has passed quickly. Not easily, but quickly. I had no idea that I could miss you so much. I miss the regular, mundane , everyday things that we used to share. Stupid work stuff, funny things that Madison, Gabe, and usually Eli did or said. I miss you keeping me straight, making sure I was getting draws in on time, I miss you telling me I needed life insurance (don't worry, I'm working on it. No, really!). I miss Thanksgiving Day on General Conference Sunday.

Everybody here is doing well. Dad's doing well. He's learning things I never thought he'd figure out; he's even paying his own bills! I wish Meg could tell you what a life- changing Birthday she had. I'm so proud of her. When she came over tonight I don't know if she's ever given me such a tight squeeze. The kids are all growing up so fast. Madison has a piano recital coming up, it's just like old times, hearing the same songs over and over. And over. But in a good way. I'm sure you know what I mean. Gabe finished up his BMX season with a second place, his highest ever. I was so proud I cried a little. At the track. How embarrassing. Eli is full of more mischief than any one kid should be allowed. And I love it. A couple of Sunday's ago he wanted some milky during Sacrament Meeting, and I told him if he wanted it he would have to walk home to get it. So he did.

I am thankful for my trials, but it doesn't mean I necessarily have to like them. But in the months since your passing, I've already seen tremendous growth. Growth in me personally, and growth in all of us as a family. I miss Jill and Keli's families like crazy. I think we are exponentially closer than a year ago. Man, I love that. I think the void left in your passing we are trying to fill with love and unity, and it's making us better people. Thanks, Mom, for that. For the record, I'd still rather have you back and forget all this spiritual growth stuff. I find myself calling the office (yes, the office where I work) just to hear your voice on the message. I miss your voice. I even try to sing the alto parts of the hymns because it reminds me of how you sing. You do still get to sing, I bet.

I'm so glad I still feel you so close. I love to feel your presence when I'm biking. I don't think it's so much that you like biking, per se, (although the thought of you on a mountain bike makes me giggle a bit), but you always knew how much I love it. I got a new bike today, and if you were still here I'm sure you'd listen intently while I told you all about it, not having a clue what I was talking about. Trust me, it's super cool (are you listening still? Thought so.).

I hope birthdays in heaven are fabulous, because you deserve the best. I miss you like crazy, we all do. The world is a little less bright without you in it. But I'm sure it makes heaven that much brighter. I'm okay with that, because I know that is how it was meant to be. I love you, mommy, I always will.

Separation Anxiety

2008-09-30T08:43:00.000-07:00

Some of you that read this blog may remember what I'm talking about here.

When I was younger, like oh, maybe 7 or8, (Not 16 like Troy would have you believe) I had some serious anxiety issues. There were so many times that I actually made myself sick because of the worry that came along with being separated from my mom. Church, school, when they would leave for the evenings. It was bad. Waaayyy bad.

I distinctly remember one occasion when Mom and Dad left to go water skiing with another couple, who it was exactly I don't remember, but I don't think it was Fred and Stevie. I remember them pulling out of the Shop driveway, towing the boat with the yellow Blazer. I remember standing in the doorway (of the big double wooden doors!) at the front of the house and just screaming and crying. I honestly thought I would never see her again. I know I had worked myself up into a frenzy because there were dark clouds, and it was "windy", which mean breezy, but I was a freak, remember? I can feel that some one was pulling me back inside, though I don't remember who it was. I'm sure it was Troy, but for some reason I sense that Nikki was there, too. Anyway, I'm sure those around me thought I was being a big baby. And I was. But there was real fear there. I DID NOT want my mom to leave me. I wanted to go with her. Or better yet, I wanted her to stay with me.

And here it is, some 25 years later, and I still get that feeling of screaming as she leaves me. I feel the pull of people around me, keeping me grounded, and keeping me sane. I see the same dark clouds approaching, but I also see that I will be safe here in the cocoon of the Gospel and the knowledge that I absolutely will see her again. Comforting, yes. But it certainly doesn't make this whole "enduring to the end" thing any easier.

I admit, and maybe I shouldn't, that I've often thought about what it would be like to just get it all over with and see her again. Don't worry, it's just thought proccesses, nothing more than that. But honestly, I know she's happy seeing us here going about our lives, and doing our best. She taught us how to do it, after all. But still, the leaving. It's horrible. It hurts. It physically hurts, just like when I was 7. I guess I'll always have that feeling. Only this time, I don't think people will accuse me of just being a baby.

On The Eve of 7 Weeks

2008-09-11T06:03:00.000-07:00

Thank you, Katrina, for this lovely quote. It's been nearly 7 weeks. She's been gone longer than we even knew about the cancer. What a strange new world it is without her. Empty, sad, and raw. We all miss her, every second. Times flood in when you realize she's really gone, and the sickness in the pit of your stomach hits. It's a familiar comfort of nausea. The tears are farther between, though certainly not fewer. I think we've all done something when we think of her up there laughing at us for what we've done, or crying with us in our pain, or reveling in that perfect moment of peace with us. I often think of those she's now in contact with, and I know she's so happy. Her good friend Audrey Drury just met up with her a week or so ago. I know they are having a good catching up moment. But now on to the quote. Such perfect phrasing for what we have been through. I'm sure many of you can relate this to some point in your life. For that, I'm sorry, but I know I personally wouldn't change a thing.

"We don't have life experiences so that we can simply endure them. We must endure them well so that those experiences do change us. That is the purpose of those experiences. If we don't change through them, then they are simply tragic. But if they do change us then they are what I like to call "difficult blessings." They are blessings that we would never wish for, that we would never wish upon anyone else. But if we are honest with ourselves we realize that the best attributes we have, our love, our compassion, our desire to serve, to do better, to be better couldn't have come about to the same degree without those experiences. And so, while we would gladly do away with the experience we would never trade what the experience has done to us. Unfortunately, we cannot have one without the other."

Full Circle

2008-08-04T11:26:00.000-07:00

"I would do it all again". Those were the words my Dad told us this weekend after we attended a sealing in Fresno. It was so neat to witness the beginning of an eternal family just one short week after we witnessed the reason for an eternal family. The sealer talked a lot about the importance of eternal marriage and how their posterity will benefit because of the choice they made. AMEN!! I am so grateful that my parents did it right. There is no bigger comfort than to know we will all be together again. 40 years of marriage was all they got, but worth every minute.

I missed my Mom being with us. I would catch myself looking for her, or wanting to tell her something. These are just the things we need to do to find our "new" normal. My Dad is amazing. He has his moments, but he has a strength I have never seen.

Every once in a while a memory of her will hit me, and I hurry and write it down so I will never forget.

A Week Gone By

2008-08-03T16:43:00.000-07:00

It's been a week. A week. A week.

I wasn't so sure I'd make it through that first day.

And now it's been 7.

Are you sensing my air of disbelief? Good.

I thought those first days would never end. Between all the decisions we had to make so quickly, and the mental fog that followed, it seemed there would never be a "normal" day again.

And here it is, a week later, and there is starting to be some semblance of normal.

But even with the normal, I doubt things will ever be the same.

Humility

2008-07-31T23:25:00.000-07:00

How can there possibly be enough words to express our thanks and gratitude to so many? The last few days have been so crazy. I think we were all as prepared as we could be when mom died, at least emotionally speaking. I don't remember one person telling me that afterwards I would be a complete mental mess. Decision making? Nope. A coherent sentence? Nada. Even a complete thought? Nay. And all of this in addition to being physically exhausted.

To all of you that were able to attend the viewing, so sorry about the wait. Seriously, I felt like the more we talked, the longer the line got, so the more we needed to talk to make the wait worth it! I hope most of you were rewarded with some small piece of priceless advice from at least one of us kids. But really, it was such a tribute to mom, and the way she lived her life. She was friends with everyone. I needed her there by my side to tell me who everyone was. I know there were family members from way way back that I didn't recognize. Sorry 'bout that. She always took care of that stuff. I guess I'll have to learn now. Bummer.

The funeral was wonderful. It was very cathartic to say and write what we were feeling. There was definitely a sense of closure there, at least for me. Not that that makes it any easier. Trust me, I would take her back in a second. But if she had to suffer that way, I would give her up again in a second too. Normal life has slowly started to sink in. I guess the rest of the world doesn't care that I just buried my mom. It just keeps going on. And that's probably the best thing for me. Carry on.

Please please, keep reading this here blog. I'm hoping we can tell stories of just a few of the small miracles that sustained us through all this. And perhaps we can merge it into a family event dumping ground. We'll just have to see how it evolves. But I know I at least need to keep it going for now. I don't want my own blog to become covered in cancer, so we'll just keep it contained here.

Thank you so much to everyone who attended the events, or sent cards and food and flowers. There aren't enough thank you cards at all the Target's in the valley. But that doesn't mean I'm off the hook.

Finale

2008-07-26T09:27:00.000-07:00

It was a wonderful ride. The tiny miracles are too numerous to count. And being true to form, a lady always knows when to leave.

She left us just after midnight. She was peaceful and graceful. We all had our time to say our goodbyes, and to tell her it was okay to go. She knew we would be fine, she's been preparing us for this for 6 weeks now. But still, she wanted to hear it from us. And when the time came, we were all right there.

Dad is a rock. He felt her spirit so closely, more so than the rest of us could. I think Troy likened it to the Celestial Room, and it absolutely was. We know there was a joyous reunion in heaven last night, and as hard as it was for us, it was wonderful to think of all the sweet spirits she is in contact with now.

The viewing will be Monday evening, and the funeral will be Tuesday morning. Broomhead's are taking care of it for us, and a special thanks to Ron for his professionalism.

Also, thank you Bishop, Vicki, and Lowell for the middle of the night support. And thank you Pat for the groceries. And thank you to all the others who have helped us in ways you will never know.

She loves and watches over all of us now. She is our guardian angel.

We love you mom.

It Aint Easy

2008-07-23T22:37:00.001-07:00

This is tough, writing some discouraging thoughts after such a high of wonderful days. Mom was doing so well. We thought the steroids were the magic potion. And really, they were, at least for 3 or 4 days. It got her feeling well enough, and strong enough, to make the trek up north, where they had a great time. But the last night, things got pretty scary. Mom declined, and quickly. Meg was there, and thank goodness she was. She was able to stay near mom's side while dad drove home as quickly as he could. It's a good 8 hour drive in a car, and in the motorhome, it's definitely more than that. I think they made it home in just over 8 hours. Go dad.

When they arrived, we had the downstairs den ready for her, since we knew there was no way she could make it up the stairs. Problem is, she hates that den. It was her office for so many years while my dad and her ran the business out of the house. Then it got turned in to Jill's room, when she moved to Las Vegas and needed a place to stay when they came to visit. After the basement got finished, and Jill and clan could crash down there, it became the dog room. I don't think any of those situations have great memories for my mom, I know she absolutely hates the dogs, so there was no way she was taking that room as her own. She mustered up all the strength she had, which wasn't much, and she made it up the stairs.

The last few days we've spent caring for her as much as we can. We had to take her to LDS for another procedure on the Biliary Tubes, and it went much more smoothly than the last one, and she does feel better thanks to that. But she is very, very weak. Although she is still as spunky as ever.

It's so frustrating for us kids to see such highs and lows. I think the words we all think but don't want to say out loud are that we wonder when the highs will end. Every time one does, we wonder if that was it. I don't think this is it, just in case you were wondering. But that doesn't make it any less difficult. One thing that keeps us going is having each other. We were thinking that we've basically been living all together, including our kids, for the last 6 weeks. I don't think there has been one time that we've even gotten annoyed with anyone. Besides the kids, of course. What a blessing! And to see how each of us brings our own special talent and role to the family is truly a gift. The Lord definitely knew that we would need each other, and has prepared us for this.

We are so thankful to all the friends that have visited, written letters, sent gifts, flowers, and food, (especially the food!). The fan mail is so fun to read. Some have come from all across the country, and from people Mom hasn't seen in years. It's amazing the impact she has had. Some fan mail even comes anonymously. I personally think they just forgot to sign the card, maybe because that's totally something I would do, but I'm sure it's people that just need to say what they need to say, and not get any recognition for it. So if you're reading this, thank you, anonymous letter writers.

Again, thank you for the wonderful comments. Mom gets to read the blog via BlackBerry, and she loves it.

North Country

2008-07-19T18:54:00.000-07:00

Here I sit in the Motor home, in West Yellowstone while typing away on my laptop thanks to the KOA's free WiFi. Thought I would update and let everyone know how Mom is doing while spending time in her favorite place with her favorite people, sans the rest of the family. We are having a wonderful time!

After finally getting away Friday, we made it to Rexburg. Mom slept most of the way, but felt good enough to go out to dinner. We were so happy, considering this is the first time she has been out since before the diagnosis. She ate most of her Sirloin Steak, and we almost got her to eat a piece of Coconut Cream pie.

Saturday morning we headed to Yellowstone Bear World, and got some up close and personal time with some Grizzly Bears. So cool! Mom did great, and even asked for a lime snow cone. She said she felt like adding a little spice to her life. :) Like Keli said in the last post, it brings us joy to see mom eat. We are going to show that Dr that she won't have another 12 pound week again!

That brings me to here, sitting in West Yellowstone, with Dad lovingly inspecting his Golden Eagle Pass that he has been waiting 62 years to buy. Free Yellowstone for life for the elderlies. He has never been so proud. In fact, I took a picture to capture the moment.

Bon (Bueno) Voyage

2008-07-18T16:41:00.000-07:00

Big day today. Mom is all 'roided up and off to the wilds of Wyoming. I know, it sounds like that should be an intro to some sort of joke, but no, it's the honest to goodness truth.

Mom went to see the pain doc on Tuesday. He suggested that in addition to changing her off the Morphine-based drugs, they start her on a round of Steroids. Just to see what happens.

I would kiss that man on the lips for what he's done for her. And I'm not just saying that because I haven't seen my husband in 2 months, either. Dirty minds, sheesh.

Never in my life have I seen my mom eat Ramen noodles. And not just eat, inhale. And bacon. And an entire Cantaloupe. All in one day. And never in my life did I imagine that seeing my mom eat an entire Cantaloupe could bring me such joy. Not even happiness, it's pure joy. Talk about priorities, huh?

With all the food being consumed, and the gymnastics Mom was doing down the hallway, Dad decided he better head North where the cool breeze blows. A melted bag of ice, a moment of silence for the struggling Tahoe transmission, and a sack full of meds, and off they went. With Meg in tow as a chaperon. Crazy elderlies, you never know what they'll do, what with the steroids and all. She needs to be there to keep the music down.

It was a bittersweet moment, seeing them pull out of the driveway. I know in my heart that Mom is happiest when she's in the Motorhome with dad, traveling wherever the wind takes them. But I also have that feeling, you know the one, where the truth lies beneath the surface, but you have to suppress it to keep the tears at bay. Yeah, that's the one. I know they'll have a great time. And if this it for them, it's perfect. We just thank our lucky stars for what we've been given. I guess all that waiting for a miracle has happened. Even if it was in a different way than we expected.

And seriously, doc, pucker up.

It's Like Bass Fishing, Only Not

2008-07-16T12:52:00.000-07:00

Have you ever looked at the life of someone you know with cancer? Sometimes in the past, I would see women undergoing chemo, and they seemed so empowered. They seemed to have some inner strength that radiated from within. I've read books about people with cancer, and they sit and have long, meaningful talks all the day. They say all the right things, and make insights about life and death. They were suddenly smarter and more patient, and more loving than ever before. I thought it was because they had a cause to fight for. And then the Lance Armstrong thing came along. I still wear my Yellow bracelet to fight the cause. Now there's an Olympic swimmer that has cancer, and he's putting off surgery until after the games. How brave.

But Cancer isn't all Epiphanies and Activism.

Cancer sucks.

I've likened Cancer unto Bass Fishing. Not from personal experience of course, since I haven't been fishing since I was like 10. I think I was with the Hales' at Scofield. I distinctly remember "milking" one of the fish we caught. I was forever traumatized. If that wasn't you, Hales', I apologize for my bad memory. I digress. Bass fishing. You know how it is. You have a boat, and a beer or two, and of course a boat motor that is bigger than your actual boat. You have to really speed along the water to get to where those fish are biting. It's a lot of hurry up and wait. Do you see where I'm going with this whole "likening" thing? Good, because I'm lacking in word power to pound out the specifics for you right now.

We hurry. We hurry to the doctor's office. And then we wait. We hurry to the pharmacy for the latest pain med regiment. And then we wait. We hurry up for family prayer each night, and pray for a miracle, and we are still waiting. But within those times of waiting, things do happen. Remember those beers we brought along? Let's make those Diet Pepsi. Yeah, we drink a lot of that. We surf the net on our BlackBerry's. We look at the sea urchins in the fish tank, and that reminds us of our awesome Girl's Trip to Seattle last September. Then we start remembering all the funny things mom has done and said on our girl's trips. And then we are reminded that our memory will have to do from now on. If only there was some way to record her voice, and to mimic her hand gestures. If only there was some way to keep her here forever. But we just wait.

And wait.

And wait.........

Encore, Encore

2008-07-11T15:31:00.000-07:00

Well, we've had an interesting couple of days, how bout you? Yesterday mom was feeling relatively well. She was able to get a haircut, a la moi, and then took a nice long nap. Not long after waking from her nap, she realized she was running a fever. Not a good thing. We gave her Tylenol and put in a call to our friendly Dr. Blatter. Not surprisingly, we didn't hear back from him in a timely manner. Or at all, for that matter. So I proceeded to call around until I could find another friendly Radiologist to help us out. Enter Dr. Kringlen. What a sweetie, if you can call a Doctor that. Anyway, he was so sweet to answer all our questions, and even waited until we found a 24 hour pharmacy nearby. As an aside, the Draper Walgreen's is the closest. So we got the antibiotics for the suspected infection, picked up a chocolate shake for Dad, and went nighty night. This morning she wasn't much better. Worse, actually, if you add a sleepless night on top of the pain and fever. So up to LDS we went. Yep, all of us. After a CT scan, and a tube flush, she seemed to be back on track. Thank goodness that was all. So we were sent home with the yearly insurance premium worth of medical equipment to flush out her tubes each day. This afternoon she seems to be doing better, and even feels like eating a little.

The best part of this day, apart from Mom getting better, was a little concert we privy to whilst waiting in the Radiology waiting room. A young boy, maybe 10 or so, was sitting alone listening to his iPod. As we sat and chatted, we realized he had started singing along aloud. It was a nice little distraction from our serious tone. A few minutes more go by, and we realize he is sitting on the floor over near our table. With an uneaten chocolate chip cookie on our table, I figured that was what he was after. I offered it to him, and merely got a head shake in response, but then he stood and that's where the concert began. We began singing with him as he belted out "Sweet Child O' Mine" from GNR. He even had the mean air guitar thing going on. He was all sorts of into it. And by the end of the song, he received a standing ovation from the crowd. Okay, I was probably the only one who stood, but we were all clapping and laughing. A welcome distraction indeed.

Blessings and Blatter

2008-07-09T09:40:00.000-07:00

The Blatter is spelled right. He is Dr. that just about killed our Mom yesterday. I don't know what the H-E double hockey sticks he was thinking. No sedation and he ripped her tubes out and stuck new ones back in. He made the incisions bigger, and put stitches in and sent her home. No pain meds or anything. Good thing we are a pharmacy of pain meds. My poor Dad was home alone with her while we were all enjoying ourselves at Lagoon. We should probably apologize for that, and thinking he was over exaggerating. She was really in a lot of pain and he was scared. I am thankful he is good at pushing the pills. They got it under control with meds but mostly with a priesthood blessing (Thanks to Robert and Noma). It is amazing the faith building experiences we have had in the last 3 1/2 weeks. She is doing better today as long as she stays on top of the pain.

As for the blessing part of my title, I wanted to list 3 enormous blessing in my life. Troy (and Kelli), Keli and Meg. As if you couldn't tell how wonderful they all are. They write about things that I think, but can't write. I am so grateful for them. How would any of us possibly get through this without the others. The Lord has prepared us for a long time for this. Even as far back as when we developed our personalities. We fit together like a irreverent crazy puzzle. We have comic relief via Keli. The go to guy-Troy. The criuse director-Moi! And Meg-A younger version of our Mom, to keep us "in check". How would we ever survive without each other. Thanks guys!!!

Fan Mail

2008-07-08T06:17:00.000-07:00

Cards, pictures, letters. Some with colorful stickers, some with little puffy appliques, even some with those little stick-on googly eyes. We've all seen 'em. Jill mentioned yesterday that Mom has probably sent out more cards in her lifetime than anyone she knows. Certainly more than anyone I know. But now it's her turn. More fan mail comes to her mailbox than Barry Manilow at a scrapbooking convention. No, seriously. Like she needs to hire someone just to read her fan mail.

Think about that for a minute. If I was to get cancer, I'd probably get letters. They'd say, 'Serves you right!', or 'Good!', or maybe the good 'ol 'Couldn't happen to a better guy!'. But not our mom. Friends, neighbors, even long lost high school friends. That is just the kind of person she is. It is a testament to how she has lived her life; treating others as she would like to be treated, putting the needs of others in front of her own. So much fan mail from so many people. People like me who, even just for a minute, would love to be a little better, like our mom.

It's hard to see difficult things happen to someone as beautiful as our mom, and I think about 'why' all the time. But even in the face of such adversity, she shines on as a brilliant inspiration to all who know her. And although it isn't fair, sometimes I wonder if maybe she isn't just a little too good for this earth. But for now, we're keeping her, all to ourselves. And we'll continue to love and cherish every minute. Oh, and help her with her fan mail.

Lemonade, Anyone?

2008-07-07T22:15:00.000-07:00

Today was a lemonade kind of day. And not just because of the sweltering heat. It's time to start squeezing those lemons we've been given.

For those of you into medical terminology, you're about to get your rocks off here. Ready?

I had you for a minute there, didn't I. Okay, maybe just a little. We found out a few things today at the doctor visit for mi madre. Really, we didn't find out much more than we already knew, but it's still hard hearing it. We did find out that she can start chemo whenever she chooses. She seems strong enough, and really, it's just up to her to decide when she can work it in to her busy schedule. We also found out that the cancer releases proteins that the brain interprets as a "full stomach" signal. That would explain the appetite loss. So she can eat whatever she wants, it's just a matter of wanting it. But trust me, with all of us kids around to force feed her, she won't have a problem with food.

Mom is doing well. She is holding up nicely, as always. Does that make her sound like an old truck? Sorry, mom. I think she and Dad will try and get away for a little vacay here, pretty soon. They love doing that, and it always makes her feel better when she can get up to Yellowstone and relax. So some R and R, some good drugs, and the best kids on earth should make her one happy woman.

The Love We Feel Equals The Sorrow We Fear

2008-07-06T21:24:00.000-07:00

I was admonished today (isn't admonished a great word for a Sunday post?) to update the blog. Silly me, I thought I had updated it yesterday. I guess that's not enough, and you people are jonesing for more of the mess that makes up my brain. So I'm going to share some thoughts about what took place today in Relief Society, or RS, as it will now be known on this blog. It's just easier to type RS, because for some reason, even though my brain knows it's "I" before "E", my fingers just don't type it that way. Wow, that alone could make up an entire post, but perhaps it would be better suited on my other blog. But I digress.

Today's lesson was on overcoming adversity. Nice. Very apropos for the events as of late. Lucky for me, I have an uncanny ability to seem invisible when topics turn serious. So I just sat and listened to the women in the Ward talk about how they had used our Gospel and the Plan of Salvation, and our knowledge of eternal families to become stronger through the trials they have faced. Many had lost children, or grandchildren, and one even lost her spouse. Some had dealt with health issues, and many with Cancer. I listened and tried to take in all the words of advice that seemed to be thrown my way. I tried, I really did. But then someone said exactly what I needed to hear at that moment.

She turned around from the row in front of me, and spoke my name. All she said was, "Keli, no matter what anyone tells you, it's still going to be hard."

That was so on the mark.

All my life, I've learned to take lemons and make lemonade. But to have someone actually tell me it's hard, and that they understand was exactly the boost I needed this day. I felt better.

So even though this may not seem like an official update, take that alone as an update in and of itself. There really hasn't been too much to update. Mom is doing well. As well as can be imagined. Surprisingly, the visitor pool hasn't slowed too much, but when she is too tired, she makes herself scarce. Don't take this personally. She just can't overdo it. Tomorrow we have an appointment with the Oncologist, so hopefully we will have more medical terminology to throw around. Stay tuned for that, for sure.

Thanks for the awesome comments. Keep them coming. Mom loves hearing stories and insights from the past. The "good 'ol days". It warms our hearts to hear of the wonderful memories you all have of our mom, and our family. Thank you again.

Independence Day

2008-07-05T16:28:00.000-07:00

Is it really? I can't believe how fast this summer is flying by. And yet, at the same time, I feel like I'm standing still watching someone else's life unfold before me. It makes me think about what independence really means. Are we independent really? I know as a mother, I'm certainly dependent on my children for joy. As a woman, I am dependent on myself for validation. And as a daughter, I am dependent on my own mother for help. I'm not ready to give any of those things up.

I see Mom on her good days, and I can almost forget what is lurking beneath the surface. But then she has a bad day, and it's like a scab has been ripped off my soul. It feels raw and harsh. I see her go out to the mailbox one day, and almost see her independent self return, but then soon enough, she is exhausted in bed, and I realize she is dependent on us again. She needs us. But I think we need her more. I'm not ready to be independent of my mother. I need to lean on her. I need to see her, speak to her, and listen to her words of wisdom. I don't want to be independent. I don't like thinking that this Independence Day may be our last with her by our side. That makes me want to cling to her even more. Perhaps I'm just having one of those selfish days. You know, it's on page 45 of the handbook. Oh, you don't have that handbook? Yeah, me neither, but someone really should write that handbook. It sure would make life, and death, easier if you knew what to expect. Even if it is just a "day", I just need to write it down, so that everyone knows that despite being an independent woman, I'm still just a mama's girl at heart. I think we all are.

You can't fool all of the people, all of the time

2008-07-01T20:20:00.000-07:00

But if you could, it would seem my mom has done it. Every single card that arrives makes her cry. Not so much because she is sad, but because she doesn't believe what is written. The sweet words of praise that have been written by so many make her feel as if she has never even had a bad thought in her life. Nearly every card has said "I've never heard you raise your voice", or "I've never seen you lose your temper". And all these words are true.

She is honestly the most, excuse the pun, patient person I have ever known. There was a time in her life where she couldn't complain to her boss about her bishop, she couldn't complain to her husband about her boss, and she couldn't complain to her bishop about her husband because they were all the same person! Seriously, I don't know of any woman who can endure that kind of torture and come away unscathed. But she did, and she did it gracefully.

She has always had a huge impact on those around her. Her organization, her ease in conversation, and the uncanny ability to know who anyone's parents or siblings, or grandparents are. This woman knows everyone. And everyone knows her. And loves her.

Thanks for being such a great example of patience and enduring to the end.

Fast (Continued)

2008-06-28T09:36:00.000-07:00

For all those who are planning on attending the fast tonight at 6pm, here is the address:

12459 South 1855 West, Riverton, UT 84065.

Head West on 2200 West from 12600 South. Take first right and the church will be directly in front of you.

We appreciate all the support we have had, and appreciate all those who are planning to take part in the fast. Even if you can't make it, please remember my mom in your prayers.

Thank you!

Fast

2008-06-27T15:46:00.000-07:00

We just wanted to let everyone know that we are having a fast for our Mom. We are starting it at 6:00 Saturday night at her building. It is behind the Albertson's in Riverton. We will close it Sunday night at 6:00. We would just like everyone to know about it wherever you are. Even if you can't attend here, please fast with us.

Our family has a great testimony of fasting. We feel like it healed her before when she had a tumor in her eye, almost 20 years ago! We appreciate all the comments and the visits and the flowers and the notes and the prayers and the phone calls. It could go on forever. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

What's up, Chuck?

2008-06-26T15:49:00.000-07:00

Good thing Mom is home. She is sicker than a sick dog. Poor, poor mom. She has had a time with it today. But at least she's home now. That is all she wanted after another long night in the hospital. She didn't care that she was sick, she just wanted to come home and go to sleep. I can't say I blame her. As long as she's here, we can take better care of her, and keep the crazy visitors to a minimum. And she doesn't have to be embarrassed of us kids making fun of her when she's stoned out of her mind on morphine. We jest out of love.

Not just one bag

2008-06-26T07:50:00.000-07:00

Mom's surgery didn't go so good. It was supposed to only take 1 hour, but the Dr. didn't know that he wouldn't be able to get the stint in. After 3 1/2 hours she emerged the operating room with not just one bag as planned, but two! Needless to say she was not happy about that. The bags started draining immediately. She started eating Popsicles immediately too. Only orange! She was so funny. Morphine makes her feel better. It also makes her a little silly. She was so cute. She acted out of it but she was sharp as a tack. The nurse asked her if she wanted some pudding, her reply, "Only if its chocolate!". That's my Mom.

This morning we got some good news. The doctor called and spoke with my Dad. He is going to take her back in this morning and take out one of the drains. It is the one that drains into the small intestine and she doesn't need it to be external. She will be so happy. The better news is that in two weeks he will go in and hook the other drain to the small intestine as well. She will be elated!! The Dr. told us she can still come home today, maybe late this afternoon. It will be good to have her home again.

Frustration

2008-06-25T06:53:00.000-07:00

Mom is doing OK! She is so yellow she is almost florescent! She had a very frustrating visit to the Doctor on Monday. The Dr actually let himself into the back door of the office with a credit card! He was locked out! I won't give the Dan version because this post would be too long.

Her blood test from Monday came back yesterday, and her blood count was up, good news. Her belirubin (or Billy Madison as Troy refers to it) was up to 26!!! A normal count is 1 or 2, when she left the hospital it was 13. They scheduled the drain to be inserted this morning. We were so glad, and I think just knowing that she would soon start feeling better gave her some extra energy yesterday. She was supposed to check into the hospital at 8:15, but they just called and said there are no beds. Just our luck! We are supposed to call back at 8:30 and see if there is anything available.

Life has kinda gotten back to normal a little. If there is such a thing as normal after this kind of news. Everyone has gone back to work including my Dad. He actually work the last 2 days which I think was really good for him. We had family pictures taken on Sunday. Everyone has asked to see them, so here are a few.

Not much News

2008-06-23T09:20:00.001-07:00

I feel like we need to update, even though there really isn't a lot to tell you. Mom is doing good. Just being home makes her feel better. Makes us feel better too. She is out of umph! We had visitor after visitor yesterday and she was pooped. It was really nice to see so many friends that care so much about her.

She is going to see Dr. Bredding today at 1:45. They are going to take her blood and see what her count is. If it is any lower than when she left the hospital they will most likely do a transfusion. Which hopefully will give her more energy! They will also see when the bile drain is scheduled.

So, not much news yet. After her appointment today we will have more news. We are just enjoying her the most we can while she is home.

Home Sweet Home

2008-06-21T09:36:00.000-07:00

She coming home!! After the bad day yesterday, we got some fantastic news! She is coming home!

She had the procedure to take the first stent out, and after the procedure she was up and eating all without Morphine! The Doctor said as long as the pain was under control, and she wasn't having any problems with Nausea, then she was A-OK to come home.

Our spirits have been lifted today, and we know all the thoughts and prayers are working. Keep it up!! Thanks again for all the support!

Pain

2008-06-20T22:47:00.001-07:00

Yesterday we left the hospital flowers in hand and being a little silly. We held our heads high and looked forward to the events of today. We had in every way planned on Mom coming home. When my Dad arrived at the hospital he found Mom in horrible pain. She had a slacker nurse during the night that was just to lazy to call the Dr and give her something for the pain. Don't worry, that nurse will never be seen around Mom's room again. The Noorda Mafia took care of her. After Dad got the good nurse and some Morphine she was doing much better.

She went in for the planned MRI this morning only to see exactly what everyone thought, the Stint put in on Tuesday was blocked and not draining the bile. She was in a lot of pain most of the day. Not her usual good spirits. Which is hard to see and makes me scared for what the close future will bring. The Doctors all felt the same, she should stay there until they get the pain under control and the can find something to drain the bile. We would like her normal color back.

So, tonight as we left the hospital it was a little bit different. Head down, slow walk, eyebrows pointed down in confusion and maybe a little tear or two.

Tomorrows events, take the stint out, schedule new drain and keep Dad happy.

One Day At A Time

2008-06-20T06:52:00.000-07:00

As I sit here at my desk, thinking of the week's events, I notice influences of Mom all around me. Lead pencils with those crazy big erasers on the top, a QVC box holding the mini TV just high enough for her to see over the top of the hutch on her desk so she can watch QVC, the crazy snow globes, pictures of the grandkids. It makes me a little bit sad, but then I realize that there are influences of Mom everywhere. Even as I sit at stoplights, watching a golden- age woman cross the road with her grandsons do I see my own mom's influence. Every time I see my Madison simmering in the heat, cheeks flushed, I can't help but think of how Mom would feel the same way. That is what is so great about a mom like ours, not even something like cancer is big enough to bring her down.

One day at a time is how we will choose to measure our time with our mom, because each and every day spent together affords blessings, memories, and ultimately influences that last us all, Mom included, an entire lifetime. One day at a time gives us all the opportunity to live, laugh, and love another day.

Sliver of Liver

2008-06-19T14:28:00.001-07:00

Today brought a few new tidbits of information. Last night it was determined that there were not enough "brushings" taken from the ERCP procedure to make a definite diagnosis of the type and aggressiveness of the cancer. This meant that a Liver biopsy was called for. First thing this morning, Mom underwent a procedure in which they deaden the area over the liver with local anesthetic, and insert a needle to procure slices of the liver tissue. They were able to recover 3 good pieces, and we expect the results to be back in a couple of days. She managed well during the procedure, had a small amount of pain, but nothing she couldn't handle, cause she's strong like that. And all she really has to show for this neato mini surgery is a stinkin band aid. Not even a square of gauze. Bummer.

The doctor also came in later that morning to give us the results of the brushings. Apparently there was enough tissue to make a "temporary" diagnosis. Adenocarcinoma. It is a cancer that originates in a gland. Turns out, the pancreas is a gland. The brushings couldn't tell us if the cancer originated there, or somewhere else such as the lungs or the colon, but either way, now we know what we're up against. I don't know about you, but I always like to know the names of my enemies, and this cancer is my enemy.

Mom is doing well. She is still a nice shade of canary, and under the ever flattering florescent hospital lights, she looks maahhvelous. I think our birthday party last night ran a little late, and she was extra tired today. We'll have to be better about getting out of there at a decent hour.

That's pretty much it for now, check back soon for updates, and thank you so much for your comments. They are awesome!

A Thousand Words

2008-06-18T21:41:00.000-07:00

A few pictures worth at least a thousand words!

Nunn's 10 biggest fans.

Always by each others' side.

Happy Birthday Big Dan!

Parties are always better in a hospital bed.

Happy Birthday

2008-06-18T07:27:00.000-07:00

I hope that isn't the only title with Happy in it. Today is my Dad's Birthday! Kinda a crappy birthday, spending it in the hospital with my Mom, but at least they are together right? So, Happy Birthday Big Dan you are The Best!!

As for an update:

My Mom called this morning to let us know that they are taking her in for another CAT scan at 9:15. She is going to drink the dye stuff and then they can look at the liver and pancreas better. They are also going to look at her abdomen and pelvis. They have given us a tiny bit of hope that the pancreas isn't quite as bad as they thought originally, but they told us not to get our hopes up. The results from the "brushing" yesterday are still sitting in a lab somewhere in front of a tech that has no idea that we are all on pins and needles waiting for him to do his job. Hopefully in a couple of days we should know.

As for my Dad, I think he is doing a little better. We made him eat a sandwich (Thanks Pat!) and go to bed early last night. He said he sleep better and actually didn't wake up until 7:00 this morning. We appreciate all the visitors and all the phone calls. He learned how to check messages last night, and loved hearing all your voices. He is laughing a lot when we are all together because that is our form of medicine. Kinda weird I know, but it works for us, and you should all know us better than that!

Update

2008-06-17T21:02:00.001-07:00

Nope, dad hasn't eaten anything since Fudruckers last night. Well, thanks to Noma he did have a couple cookies.

The ERCP went well. The Texan Doc tells us the Proximal bile duct is completely blocked by a mass, which is a tumor, but the other side has been cleared, and the stent has been placed. The results of this procedure will take some time, but tomorrow morning when her labs are taken, we may have a good idea if the stent is helping her look more like Willy Wonka instead of the Oompa Loompas.

The Doc did also say he got some brushings. Again, the results will take time. The best results would be he gets some cancer cells. The bad results would be the tumor is on the outside pushing in. This would mean the Liver Biopsy would be a possibility, which then causes the liver to bleed. We don't want this to happen. Pray and keep your fingers crossed we don't.

Other than the gasiness, and the feeling of being hit by a truck, mom is doing good. Her spirits are high, and we all laugh a lot. This is our way of coping.

Thanks to all those who visited tonight. We all appreciate your support, and the cookies. :)

Firsties

2008-06-17T15:18:00.001-07:00

Okay, I'll start.

This is really hard, and I should probably have something wise to say. But I don't. All I can say is this is really hard.

Today Mom went in for her ERCP, a procedure in which an endoscope is threaded through the GI tract into the liver. The doctors will then "brush" out the cells that are clogging the Bile Ducts, and keep some of those cells for the pathologists to examine. The Bile Duct is then held open by a stent, so all the fluid and salts that have been building up in her body can finally be metabolized and excreted like they normally would, thus hopefully resolving the Oompa Loompa thing she has going on. I have no idea when those results will be back.

I do know that Dad hasn't eaten lunch yet, and he needs to but won't leave her side for anything. I'm definitely taking him something to eat later tonight, whether he likes it or not.

Whew, first post down. Who's next?