Today is "The" day. The day one year ago that this indescribable grief was born. The day I have thought about and replayed in my mind at least once every day since. The day that changed our family dynamics forever. Really, the day that changed everything about us. The truth is it's been a hard year. The hardest of our lives. Every holiday, every birthday, every big family event, everyday. There is just someone missing. But there. If that makes sense? Hard for reasons I don't even know. Bad days that just sneak up on us fast, but take weeks to get through. Feelings that we are forgetting who she was and what she sounded like and felt like. But, memories we could never forget. A summer that was her gift to us. The most wonderful gift she could have given us. It's the one thing we long for and wish we could have back.
But, we made it. One long year? Or, one quick year? I guess it depends on how you look at it. Things have changed, we will deal and move on. We will always try to make the best of whatever comes. That's what she taught us to do. The blessings keep coming, and for that I am the most thankful! Most of those blessings come from all of you. The friends, family and loved ones that were there for everything. I'm grateful for the advice. The phone calls. The notes in the mail. The comments on blogs. Cancer still sucks. I don't think I knew how much more it would suck a year later. It still sucks.
Friday, July 10, 2009
We are almost done with the firsts. In a couple weeks it will have been a year since Paula passed away. There have been a lot of trials and blessings along the way. We have been dreading all of the firsts. The first Mothers Day and Christmas and birthdays. The firsts are hard and we have almost made it. I know she is proud of us for doing so well. Good job everybody...we are still a close family and we have grown a lot. There is one thing that remains the same..."CANCER STILL SUCKS!"