Sunday, July 26, 2009

Big Day

Today is "The" day. The day one year ago that this indescribable grief was born. The day I have thought about and replayed in my mind at least once every day since. The day that changed our family dynamics forever. Really, the day that changed everything about us. The truth is it's been a hard year. The hardest of our lives. Every holiday, every birthday, every big family event, everyday. There is just someone missing. But there. If that makes sense? Hard for reasons I don't even know. Bad days that just sneak up on us fast, but take weeks to get through. Feelings that we are forgetting who she was and what she sounded like and felt like. But, memories we could never forget. A summer that was her gift to us. The most wonderful gift she could have given us. It's the one thing we long for and wish we could have back.

But, we made it. One long year? Or, one quick year? I guess it depends on how you look at it. Things have changed, we will deal and move on. We will always try to make the best of whatever comes. That's what she taught us to do. The blessings keep coming, and for that I am the most thankful! Most of those blessings come from all of you. The friends, family and loved ones that were there for everything. I'm grateful for the advice. The phone calls. The notes in the mail. The comments on blogs. Cancer still sucks. I don't think I knew how much more it would suck a year later. It still sucks.


nikkipicky said...

I wondered how you would all cope with the one year date. It's almost like a milestone...All those firsts accomplished and endured. Really thats about all you can do take them head on and endure them. You guys have done it!! You have done what she would have wanted you to...Keep on living, learning, laughing, loving and doing it together.

I have been saving this for this very day - Noorda Noteable: This memory is a hard one and not the best day for any of you either. It comes from the day you closed the special fast for your mom. I had missed the day before because of a family reunion. I was worried about coming because I didn't want my emotions to get away from me. When I came in I was first greeted with a smile by Jill. Here she is feeling what I am sure are overwhelming emotions and yet she has a hug for me and tries to make me feel better. Then the same with Keli, Meg and Troy. Here you are, all of you suffering and worrying yet giving freely of yourselves. I had not seen some of you in forever yet it was like I still lived across the street. Man, I missed you guys. Then on the way out it was a big hug from your dad, with the words from him "How are you you" said with worry that I wasn't doing to good. I promptly broke down and cried on his shoulder. Where he comforted me instead of me offering comfort. How is it that happens? You all were like my second family and I loved and still love you all so much. My only regret is that I didn't risk the emotional breakdown and come say goodbye to your mom and let her know how much I loved her and how much she meant to me my in my life. I just didn't want her to see me being sad. My only hope, is that she knew from my little trips down memory lane on the blog.

Even at the viewing and the funeral you all were about making everyone else feel better. What a gift she taught you, strength, this is what carries you each day and will continue to carry you during all the hard times.

I love you guys! Thanks for the memories. :)

Larissa said...

Thought about you all as this day was approaching. You are all in my thoughts and prayers. Thanks for being such good examples to all of us and for showing such care and concern with everyone. You all are awesome!

Kelli said...

It's definitely been a challenging year. I am so blessed to have married into such a wonderful family. I have learned so much from all of you and from the past year and mostly from Nunn. She taught me so much. I miss her everyday too and I agree...Cancer Sucks!

Anonymous said...

One year! My how things change but yet stay the same. I'm proud of all of you. You have certainly risen to the task before you every day. Your mom watches and is proud. She taught you well. Always remember you are your mother's children. It shows. Love, Suz