Tuesday, September 30, 2008

Separation Anxiety

Some of you that read this blog may remember what I'm talking about here.

When I was younger, like oh, maybe 7 or8, (Not 16 like Troy would have you believe) I had some serious anxiety issues. There were so many times that I actually made myself sick because of the worry that came along with being separated from my mom. Church, school, when they would leave for the evenings. It was bad. Waaayyy bad.

I distinctly remember one occasion when Mom and Dad left to go water skiing with another couple, who it was exactly I don't remember, but I don't think it was Fred and Stevie. I remember them pulling out of the Shop driveway, towing the boat with the yellow Blazer. I remember standing in the doorway (of the big double wooden doors!) at the front of the house and just screaming and crying. I honestly thought I would never see her again. I know I had worked myself up into a frenzy because there were dark clouds, and it was "windy", which mean breezy, but I was a freak, remember? I can feel that some one was pulling me back inside, though I don't remember who it was. I'm sure it was Troy, but for some reason I sense that Nikki was there, too. Anyway, I'm sure those around me thought I was being a big baby. And I was. But there was real fear there. I DID NOT want my mom to leave me. I wanted to go with her. Or better yet, I wanted her to stay with me.

And here it is, some 25 years later, and I still get that feeling of screaming as she leaves me. I feel the pull of people around me, keeping me grounded, and keeping me sane. I see the same dark clouds approaching, but I also see that I will be safe here in the cocoon of the Gospel and the knowledge that I absolutely will see her again. Comforting, yes. But it certainly doesn't make this whole "enduring to the end" thing any easier.

I admit, and maybe I shouldn't, that I've often thought about what it would be like to just get it all over with and see her again. Don't worry, it's just thought proccesses, nothing more than that. But honestly, I know she's happy seeing us here going about our lives, and doing our best. She taught us how to do it, after all. But still, the leaving. It's horrible. It hurts. It physically hurts, just like when I was 7. I guess I'll always have that feeling. Only this time, I don't think people will accuse me of just being a baby.

7 comments:

Jill Johnson said...

Funny, me and Dad talked about that thought process. We have both thought it too. Not actually the thought, just anxious to see her again thought. I miss her so much.

Meg said...

We all had to be mommas girls then, to prepare us for now.

I miss her every moment of every day.

nikkipicky said...

I know her birthay is coming up...This will make you miss her more I think.

Noteable: I hope I have this right...Didn't your dad hang a HUGE sign over your driveway for your moms 40th birthday. (or was it the other way around) I am confuzzeled. I just remember they made a big deal out of those milestone birthdays, funeral processions, black balloons, dinner or parties with thier friends etc.

Do something super fun this year to celebrate her life on her birthday. You could all have a party in her honor in your seperate homes. Fix her favorite food, or go to her favorite resturant, something she would love.

Anonymous said...

Hey all you Noordas. I just wanted to let you know how I think of you all. Each fall Julie, Paul, and I would go out to lunch for our fall birthdays. This year just wasn't the same. There is still that giant void not matter how many projects you find, cherished memories you recall and chores you complete. We were lucky to know such a great gal. I will have a hard time as well this Sunday. We are in the process of moving. 37 years in one place makes for a lot of STUFF. Know I think of you often and love you lots. Love, Suz

Kelli said...

Keli, you are the greatest. I even miss her more than you will ever know. She was my second mom. I was just as close to her as my mom and I have those same feelings. She was the best and is needed somewhere else. I understand that, but we still need her here too.

Jeanette said...

I remember when my dad first died there were times when I'd think that I just didn't want to be here anymore, and I was newly married and expecting my first baby so I had much to live for, but it was so hard without him (of course I never seriously considered actually leaving, but I think you know what I mean). Now eighteen years have past and I still miss him. There is still a hole in my heart that won't be filled until we are together again, but oh what a glorious 18 years of life this has been. I have grown and experienced so much. I wouldn't have wanted to miss any of it. And I know my dad is still here cheering me on like he always did.
Hang in there and prepare to be amazed at the growth you will make as you continue to move forward in the gospel. Your mom's buttons will be bustin' over you and your achievements. She still knows, she still leads, and she still loves. Of this I am certain.
P.S. I love the quote that you posted. I just might have to steal it for my blog!

Michelle said...

Keli,
I remembered that it was your mom's birthday because I is only 2 days earlier than Malorie's. I went by the cemetary this morning and saw the BEAUTIFUL flowers sitting there. I know the pain you are feeling. I am sitting here now listening to, "Peace like a river". It is so comforting to know that your mom as well as my Dad are in the arms and love of our dear Heavenly Father and Saviour. Please know how much I love and care for your family. I am thinking of all of you often!
Michelle