Is it really? I can't believe how fast this summer is flying by. And yet, at the same time, I feel like I'm standing still watching someone else's life unfold before me. It makes me think about what independence really means. Are we independent really? I know as a mother, I'm certainly dependent on my children for joy. As a woman, I am dependent on myself for validation. And as a daughter, I am dependent on my own mother for help. I'm not ready to give any of those things up.
I see Mom on her good days, and I can almost forget what is lurking beneath the surface. But then she has a bad day, and it's like a scab has been ripped off my soul. It feels raw and harsh. I see her go out to the mailbox one day, and almost see her independent self return, but then soon enough, she is exhausted in bed, and I realize she is dependent on us again. She needs us. But I think we need her more. I'm not ready to be independent of my mother. I need to lean on her. I need to see her, speak to her, and listen to her words of wisdom. I don't want to be independent. I don't like thinking that this Independence Day may be our last with her by our side. That makes me want to cling to her even more. Perhaps I'm just having one of those selfish days. You know, it's on page 45 of the handbook. Oh, you don't have that handbook? Yeah, me neither, but someone really should write that handbook. It sure would make life, and death, easier if you knew what to expect. Even if it is just a "day", I just need to write it down, so that everyone knows that despite being an independent woman, I'm still just a mama's girl at heart. I think we all are.