Saturday, July 5, 2008

Independence Day

Is it really? I can't believe how fast this summer is flying by. And yet, at the same time, I feel like I'm standing still watching someone else's life unfold before me. It makes me think about what independence really means. Are we independent really? I know as a mother, I'm certainly dependent on my children for joy. As a woman, I am dependent on myself for validation. And as a daughter, I am dependent on my own mother for help. I'm not ready to give any of those things up.

I see Mom on her good days, and I can almost forget what is lurking beneath the surface. But then she has a bad day, and it's like a scab has been ripped off my soul. It feels raw and harsh. I see her go out to the mailbox one day, and almost see her independent self return, but then soon enough, she is exhausted in bed, and I realize she is dependent on us again. She needs us. But I think we need her more. I'm not ready to be independent of my mother. I need to lean on her. I need to see her, speak to her, and listen to her words of wisdom. I don't want to be independent. I don't like thinking that this Independence Day may be our last with her by our side. That makes me want to cling to her even more. Perhaps I'm just having one of those selfish days. You know, it's on page 45 of the handbook. Oh, you don't have that handbook? Yeah, me neither, but someone really should write that handbook. It sure would make life, and death, easier if you knew what to expect. Even if it is just a "day", I just need to write it down, so that everyone knows that despite being an independent woman, I'm still just a mama's girl at heart. I think we all are.


Michelle said...

You are so AWESOME!! I know how it feels to be feeling the way you are. Just the other day I was trying to fix something in my yard, and was really having a hard time, I sat down and started to cry and said, "Dad, why aren't you here, I need you"! You are never too old to need your parents. I find that now that I am a mother myself that I need my parents even more. I need their advice and wisdom. I really miss my dad's advice, that he so freely always gave me. I've often thought about writing a handbook just about cancer and how bad it sucks!! I absolutely hate to see a family I love as much as I love your family go through the same crappy thing as I did!! I love you all!! By the way how were the meatballs and spaghetti? Love you

Nikkipicky said...

Wow!! Somewhere along life's highway the little blonde girl I used to know, the one with the cute pigtails grew up and became eloquent. I love reading your posts they are insightful and meaningful. You are not afraid to say what you mean and say what you feel, and you say it so beautifully! Thank you for keeping us up to date on how your mom is feeling. :)

I agree with all you said 100%. Something I have learned is that there are just some things only a mom has the answer for. If I had a list of all the questions I have wanted to ask my mom, but couldn't It would be pages long. Even with all you are dealing with and all that is to come, you have been given a at least one wonderful gift, knowledge and time. Time to ask and say all those things that are important and heartfelt, the questions, words and feelings we sometimes hold for another day.

On a lighter note, a little noteable....Who can remember Meg's early vocabulary? I would say her first word, like all little babies was probably Dad, then of course the word most used throughout our lives, mom. But I can guarantee her third was not what you would expect! (I may be off on the exact number but it was definately one of the firsts)

Any guesses?......COKE!! Only Meg pronounced it COKEY. I remember thinking it was so funny to hear her say Cokey. So Meg, do you still love Coke? :) If I were a guessing person I would say you probably don't drink soda.

Keep hanging in there. Your all always in my prayers.

Anonymous said...

Ugh.....hold onto your kids and especially your spouse. Kiss your mom, hold her, and listen to whatever story's she might give you. Independence.... I am certain this is driving her crazy that she can't "just fix it". You have a beautiful soul and I am certain your mother is very proud of that. Hold on to everyone you can! God places them in your way when you need them.

Georgette Butterfield Vent

Larissa said...

I love what you said Keli. I know what those selfish days feel like. I have had them often too, but I haven't read page 45 of that book. I sure would like to, if it were there to read. It seems as if time goes faster now days. For me, it has been zooming for a long time. I keep wanting it to literally slow down and it just doesn't! I think that's all any of us wants is more time.

I have a memory of Meg as a primary child. She had drawn the picture on the cover of the sacrament program that week. My dad gave his program to her and told her to keep it forever. She was probably about 7 or so. Now, she is one of our great teachers in primary and has been for a while! The circle of life is amazing! Sometimes I wish we could pause that circle of life for just a moment. Sometimes I wish we could rewind and re-do things. But, I know instead we must deal with that circle of life as it is. You ALL are great examples to us of how to do that. It's rather amazing, actually. Thank you so much. We love you!!!

grannybabs said...

Keli, I'm here in Bolivia with Alice and we are commenting on how much we hope that you are finding peace and comfort in these trying days.

ClistyB said...

you and Kelly Clarkson...Miss Independent..
it sounded funnier in my head

Meg said...

Keli, you are amazing. Thank you for saying the things which all feel through beautiful words.